I lay here in the dead of the night with my eyes wide open. The dark of night allows my body to rest and half-ass recuperate from the stress of the day. My mind however is a whole different story.
I remember when i was a kid every night I would ask god to forgive me for the wrongs that I had committed that day. Nothing to serious just the usual lie about home work or maybe I stole one of Dad’s camels while he wasn’t looking. I’d ask that my brother and sister were safe wherever they had disappeared to with my mom. And I’d pray for my dad to have a good day at work in the morning. I’d close my eyes for what seemed to be forever but actually I’d be out in no time. To be so young and innocent is truly a blessing that you cant fully appreciate until its to late.
It’s now 4am and I’m hoping I drift off soon so I can focus at work tomorrow. The things that are still navigating my brain tell me thats not the likely outcome. I question every life choice I’ve made and assign blame to every mistake I’ve made that led me to struggle with sleep on this shitty worn out mattress.
The little bit of peace that I’ve had on and off again over the last couple years is gone again and I am left alone to wonder what I did this time as its become apparent that i must be the issue in this string of heart aches. Unfortunately this time its years of poor decisions that simply can not be remedied over night. It may be years before I’m able to find a lasting solution to fill this void.
I’m coming to peace with where I am or rather with how I got here. I drift off now that I created the solution to cure all my problems. Tomorrow I’ll lay awake again this time contimplating when will my life begin.
I.M. Renascitur 